My Child Not Doing What I Say
Let’s Unpack What’s Really Going On—and What You Can Do Differently Today
My Child Not Doing What I Say
Let’s Unpack What’s Really Going On—and What You Can Do Differently Today
It’s one of the most frustrating moments for any parent: you ask your child to do something—clean up, get dressed, turn off the tablet—and… nothing happens. Or worse, they look you straight in the eye and keep doing the opposite.
You’re not alone. This is one of the top five parenting struggles I hear about all the time. And guess what? It’s not because you’re a bad parent or your child is “disobedient.” It’s because children—especially younger ones—aren’t wired to respond like little adults.
Let’s unpack what’s really going on and how you can respond in a way that builds cooperation without yelling, threatening, or bribing.
Why Isn’t My Child Doing What I Say?
- They’re Not Ignoring You—They’re Learning Boundaries Children test limits to understand where the boundaries are. It’s not personal; it’s developmental.
- They May Not Fully Understand the Instruction What sounds simple to us (“Go get ready”) can feel vague to a child. What does ready mean? Where do I start?
- They’re in the Middle of Something Important (To Them) Whether it’s a LEGO build or a game, their world matters. They’re not being rude—they’re immersed.
- Power Struggles Are a Way to Feel In Control If your child feels controlled all the time, refusing you might be their only form of independence.
What You Can Do Instead of Yelling
1. Connect Before You Direct
Get to their level. Touch their shoulder. Make eye contact. Say their name first. “Hey buddy, I need your eyes. Can you pause for a sec?”
2. Give Clear, Bite-Sized Instructions
Instead of “Get ready,” try: “Please put on your shoes and grab your backpack. We’re leaving in 5 minutes.”
3. Offer Two Acceptable Choices
Instead of commands: “Do you want to brush your teeth first or put on pajamas first?” Kids love to choose—even if you’ve already pre-selected both options.
4. Use Natural Consequences
If they choose not to get ready, calmly explain the consequence: “If you’re not dressed in 5 minutes, we won’t have time for the playground.” Then follow through.
5. Stay Calm, Even When It’s Hard
Yelling may work short-term, but it creates long-term resistance. Calm creates connection. And connection builds cooperation.
When to Worry (and When Not To)
If your child never listens, becomes aggressive, or seems out of control often, it might be worth talking with a parenting coach or specialist. Sometimes, behavior challenges can be linked to sensory needs, emotional regulation difficulties, or even developmental delays.
But for most kids? Not listening is just part of growing up—and your job is to coach them through it, not control them into it.
What You Can Do Instead of Yelling
1. Connect Before You Direct
Get to their level. Touch their shoulder. Make eye contact. Say their name first. “Hey buddy, I need your eyes. Can you pause for a sec?”
2. Give Clear, Bite-Sized Instructions
Instead of “Get ready,” try: “Please put on your shoes and grab your backpack. We’re leaving in 5 minutes.”
3. Offer Two Acceptable Choices
Instead of commands: “Do you want to brush your teeth first or put on pajamas first?” Kids love to choose—even if you’ve already pre-selected both options.
4. Use Natural Consequences
If they choose not to get ready, calmly explain the consequence: “If you’re not dressed in 5 minutes, we won’t have time for the playground.” Then follow through.
5. Stay Calm, Even When It’s Hard
Yelling may work short-term, but it creates long-term resistance. Calm creates connection. And connection builds cooperation.
When to Worry (and When Not To)
If your child never listens, becomes aggressive, or seems out of control often, it might be worth talking with a parenting coach or specialist. Sometimes, behavior challenges can be linked to sensory needs, emotional regulation difficulties, or even developmental delays.
But for most kids? Not listening is just part of growing up—and your job is to coach them through it, not control them into it.